Speaking to your inner critic with curiosity instead of shame
We all have an inner critic. That voice that chimes in with “You’re not doing enough,” “That wasn’t good enough,” or “Why can’t you just get it right?” For many of us, this voice feels like a constant background hum. Sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but always present. It’s easy to feel ashamed of this voice or to try to shut it down altogether. But what if, instead of rejecting it, we turned toward it with curiosity? What if the inner critic was not the enemy, but a part of us trying, however clumsily, to help?
Why Do We Have an Inner Critic?
The inner critic is often a protective part. Somewhere along the way, it learned that harshness might help us stay safe, be accepted, or avoid disappointment. It might echo messages we once heard from caregivers, teachers, or peers. Or it might have developed in response to a world that praised perfection and punished mistakes.
In therapy, we often explore these protective parts with tenderness. We don’t try to get rid of them; we get to know them. Understanding the origin of the inner critic is the first step in shifting how we relate to it.
How to Deal with the Inner Critic: A Curious Approach
Instead of silencing the inner critic with shame or trying to “banish” it, try meeting it with gentle curiosity. You can begin to build a relationship with this part of yourself, one rooted in awareness, compassion, and even trust.
1. Notice the Voice Without Merging With It
Start by noticing when the inner critic shows up. What does it say? How does it speak to you? What sensations or emotions does it stir in your body?
This might sound like:
“I’m hearing a voice that’s saying I messed up. I wonder what it’s trying to protect me from.”
Awareness is powerful. It creates space between you and the part that’s speaking.
2. Name the Part
Naming the part helps reinforce that this voice is just one part of your internal system, not the whole of who you are. You might call it “the perfectionist part,” “the anxious achiever,” or simply “the critical voice.”
That naming can sound like:
“Ah, this is the part that’s afraid I won’t measure up.”
“This is the voice that panics when things feel uncertain.”
Naming invites compassion. It allows you to be a gentle observer instead of a harsh judge.
3. Get Curious
Curiosity is one of the most healing stances we can take. Ask the inner critic questions, not to challenge it, but to understand it.
What are you afraid will happen if you don’t say this?
When did you first feel like you had to be so hard on me?
What do you want for me, deep down?
These questions help the critic soften. When a part feels seen and heard, it doesn’t need to shout quite as loudly.
4. Use the “Thank You and…” Technique
One powerful intervention I teach in therapy is the “Thank you and…” Technique. This technique helps us acknowledge the protective intent of the inner critic without letting it take over.
Here’s how it works:
Thank the part for trying to help you.
Follow up with a grounding truth - something that affirms your capacity, your values, or your current reality.
Examples include:
“Thank you for pointing out what could go wrong… and I also know I can handle discomfort if it happens.”
“Thank you for reminding me to stay on track… and I also know that rest is part of sustainability.”
“Thank you for trying to keep me safe… and I also know I’m not in danger right now.”
This technique honors the part without giving it the final say. It shows the critic that there’s more to the story, and that you, as your most grounded self, are here too.
5. Introduce the Self-Compassionate Voice
Once you’ve listened to the inner critic and acknowledged its role, invite in a new voice. This new voice is one that speaks with warmth, kindness, and truth.
You might say:
“Even if I made a mistake, I still get to be gentle with myself.”
“I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love or rest.”
“I’m doing the best I can with what I know today.”
This self-compassionate voice may feel unfamiliar at first. Over time, it becomes easier to access, and your inner critic won’t feel the need to work so hard.
6. Practice Patience
Your inner critic likely won’t disappear overnight. And that’s okay. Like any relationship, the one you’re building with this part takes time, trust, and consistency. You might notice that the voice becomes quieter. Or it begins to speak less harshly. Or maybe it simply steps aside more easily, allowing other parts of you to take the lead.
Final Thoughts
Your inner critic isn’t a flaw. It’s a part that learned to protect you. And when you speak to it with curiosity instead of shame, you invite something powerful: healing, clarity, and inner peace. If you’re longing for support as you navigate your relationship with your inner critic, self-compassion therapy offers tools and guidance for turning toward these parts of you with warmth and understanding. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.