You Are not your Feelings
How we speak to ourselves, especially in hard moments, shapes the way we experience the world, relate to others, and connect with ourselves. And often, without realizing it, we use language that cements our pain rather than holds it with care. One powerful shift I often explore with clients is how we describe our feelings.
Let’s look at a common example:
"I am a failure."
This sentence feels heavy because it is heavy. It takes a painful emotion and turns it into identity. When we say “I am a failure,” we’re not just expressing how we feel, we’re labeling who we are. There's no room for nuance, no space to breathe. It's a full stop. A dead end.
But what happens when we gently adjust the language?
"I am feeling like a failure."
This version creates a little more space. Instead of defining ourselves by the feeling, we acknowledge that we’re having a feeling. And feelings, by their nature, are temporary and shifting. We move from identity to experience. And in doing so, we also open the door to self-compassion: “I’m having a hard time right now. This is how it’s feeling. That doesn’t mean it’s all true.”
And we can go one step further:
"I am noticing that I’m feeling like a failure."
Now we’re observing the feeling rather than being swallowed by it. This kind of language creates even more distance between us and the thought. We’re not fusing with it—we’re watching it arise. Not judging, not shaming. Just noticing.
Why This Matters in Therapy and in Life
When we slow down and pay attention to the language we use, especially in moments of distress, we practice something deeply reparative. We are re-teaching ourselves how to be with our emotions instead of collapsing under them.
This kind of shift is more than semantics. It’s a way of honoring the truth of our experiences without letting those experiences define our worth.
It’s the difference between:
“I’m broken” vs. “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and unsure right now.”
“I’m too much” vs. “I’m noticing that I worry I’m too much when I have big emotions.”
“I can’t do this” vs. “Part of me feels scared that I won’t be able to handle this.”
Each change in language is an act of kindness. A way to stay in relationship with ourselves, even when things feel hard.
A Gentle Invitation
Next time a critical thought shows up, especially one that begins with “I am,” try slowing it down. Get curious. See if you can shift from being the feeling to noticing it. Even if you don’t fully believe the new language at first, the practice of speaking to yourself with more spaciousness can be profoundly healing.
You're not your feelings. You're a person having feelings. And you deserve language that reflects that truth.