How to Calm Down when you’re spinning out (without ignoring your feelings)
Have you ever found yourself caught in a loop of spinning thoughts or anxious energy, knowing you need to calm down but also feeling like trying to do so only makes things worse? When your body and mind are in overdrive, it can feel like you're stuck in a cycle you didn’t choose. And when well-meaning advice tells you to “just breathe” or “relax,” it can feel frustrating. Like you’re supposed to pretend nothing’s wrong. But what if calming down doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings? What if the spinning is your nervous system’s way of trying to help, even if the way it’s helping is outdated or misaligned with what you actually need now?
The good news: you can learn to calm your system in ways that support your body, your mind, and the parts of you that still need care.
Why Spinning Happens: When Familiar Feels Safer Than Calm
Our nervous systems are shaped by past experiences. They don’t just respond to what is logically safe; they respond to what is familiar. If you grew up in an environment that was chaotic, unpredictable, or emotionally intense, your nervous system may have learned that a heightened state, spinning thoughts, high alert, bracing for the next thing, “is “normal.” Over time, this can lead to a situation where your system equates familiar chaos with safety, and calm can feel unfamiliar (and therefore unsafe).
So when you try to slow down, your system might resist or panic. Not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because it’s trying to protect you in a way that once made sense. Understanding this is the first step toward shifting it.
How to Calm Down Without Shutting Down
When you feel yourself spinning out, the goal isn’t to shut down your feelings or force yourself to feel calm. The goal is to offer your nervous system new cues of safety while staying curious about what’s driving the reaction.
Here’s a gentle, four-step process to help.
1. Ground First (Tell Your Body It’s Now, Not Then)
When your nervous system is spinning, your body is often reacting to something that feels old and familiar, even if the current situation doesn’t actually require that level of response. The first step is to help your body remember it’s in the present moment.
Here are a few simple ways to do that:
Orienting
Look around the room. Name five things you see. Notice where you are, here and now.
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding
Name five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you can taste or imagine tasting.
Movement
Gently move your body. Stretch, sway, shake out your hands, or press your feet into the floor.
Breath
Take a few slow, steady breaths, with an emphasis on longer exhales. Longer exhales help signal safety to the nervous system.
Think of this as creating an internal “you’re safe enough now” message, not to bypass your feelings, but to offer your body a chance to come out of survival mode.
2. Name the Pattern (With Compassion)
Once you’re a bit more grounded, gently name what’s happening:
My system is doing the 'familiar = safe' thing again. My nervous system is spinning because this feels familiar, not because there is actual danger here.
Naming the pattern helps create some space between you and the experience, and it reduces the shame that often comes with “why can’t I calm down?” thoughts. Remember, this is a learned pattern, not a personal flaw.
3. Stay Curious
Spinning thoughts and anxious energy are often trying to protect you from something. They may be responding to unspoken fears, old wounds, or even the simple discomfort of unfamiliar calm.
You might gently ask yourself:
What might this spinning be trying to protect me from? What old feelings or memories might this be touching? What does this part of me need right now?
You don’t have to answer perfectly. The act of staying curious itself is powerful.
4. Offer New Safety Cues
Over time, you can teach your system that true calm can be safe. This is about building new pathways, not forcing change, and offering gentle experiences of groundedness.
Here are a few practices that can help:
Self-touch
Place a hand over your heart or another soothing spot.
Imagery
Picture a calm, safe place or memory.
Connection
Reach out to someone supportive, or even imagine the presence of a comforting figure.
Rhythm
Engage in rhythmic activities: walking, swaying, listening to calming music with a steady beat.
Each time you do this, you’re giving your system a new experience: calm can be safe. Slowing down can feel okay.
You Can Teach Your Nervous System a New Path
It takes time to shift these deeply wired patterns. If your nervous system learned that chaos was “safe,” it may resist calm at first. That’s normal. But with gentle, consistent practice, you can help your system trust new experiences of groundedness and ease. You don’t have to fight your nervous system. You can work with it. You can calm down without ignoring your feelings. You can offer your body and mind the safety they may not have fully known before.