How Do I Deal with People Who Keep Hurting My Feelings? (And Still Stay True to Myself)
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Some people leave us feeling calm, grounded, and understood. Others leave us feeling like we’re walking on eggshells. When someone close to you keeps saying or doing things that hurt your feelings, it’s confusing. Maybe they say it’s “just a joke.” Maybe they brush it off or turn it around on you. Maybe you’ve tried to bring it up, but they don’t take it seriously or it only seems to get worse. And even though you’ve told yourself not to take it personally...it still stings. So what do you do when someone keeps hurting your feelings, especially when you care about them, or feel tied to the relationship in some way?
Let’s walk through it together.
1. Notice the Pattern, Not Just the Moment
When someone hurts your feelings, it’s natural to focus on the most recent comment or event. But often what’s most painful isn’t just what happened, it’s the pattern. It’s the sense that, over and over, your experience isn’t being held with care. You might feel invisible, misunderstood, rejected, or like your needs are too much. If these feelings are familiar, it could be because they echo something deeper, maybe a past relationship where your emotions weren’t safe or welcomed.
It’s not about blaming the past. It’s about making sense of why this hurts so much and why it keeps happening.
2. Get Clear on What Your Feelings Are Telling You
Your hurt isn’t random or irrational. It’s a signal that something important is happening inside. Maybe you long to feel accepted. Maybe you’re aching for reassurance. Maybe you just want to feel like your voice matters. When our needs for connection, safety, or understanding go unmet, especially by someone close, it can awaken old wounds. And sometimes, we respond by working harder to please, by shutting down, or by hoping they’ll finally “get it” if we just explain it the right way.
Try gently asking yourself:
What part of me is hurting right now?
What does that part need in order to feel soothed or seen?
Does this person seem capable or willing to meet that need?
3. Protect the Tender Parts of You
When people repeatedly hurt you, it makes sense to become self-protective. But protecting yourself doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you're paying attention. You can honor your need for closeness and set limits around how much you’re willing to be hurt.
That might look like:
Sharing less personal information.
Seeing them less often or in smaller doses.
Preparing yourself emotionally before contact.
Saying, “That didn’t sit well with me,” even if it feels awkward.
Protection can be gentle. It’s not about building walls, it’s about creating conditions where your softer parts don’t have to go numb just to stay connected.
4. Let Yourself Grieve What This Relationship Isn’t
One of the hardest things to accept is that someone you care about may not be able to show up for you in the way you long for. And when we have an attachment to that person, a deep emotional bond, history, or hope, the loss of what we wanted that relationship to be can feel like heartbreak.
Grieving might come with sadness, anger, guilt, or even self-blame. That’s normal. You may have spent years trying to earn closeness, walking on eggshells, or trying to be the version of yourself that gets loved “right.”
It’s okay to feel that grief fully. It means you cared.
5. Shift Your Expectations, Not Your Worth
It’s easy to internalize other people’s behavior: If they keep hurting me, maybe I’m just too sensitive. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe I need to toughen up. But those thoughts are often leftover strategies - ways we’ve learned to stay connected by minimizing ourselves.
The truth? Your sensitivity isn’t the problem. Your longing for safety and respect isn’t too much. Some people just can’t (or won’t) meet you there. You don’t have to keep lowering your expectations in order to keep a relationship. Sometimes, you simply need to recalibrate your investment, not because you're giving up, but because you're choosing to honor your needs.
6. Anchor Yourself in Relationships That Feel Safe
If you’ve spent a lot of time in hurtful or one-sided relationships, it can shift your internal compass. You may start to question what healthy connection even feels like. This is why it’s so powerful to seek out relationships, even small ones, that feel more emotionally safe. Friends, mentors, therapists, or chosen family who:
Listen with curiosity.
Respond with care when you’re hurt.
Repair when there’s conflict.
Make you feel seen, not scrutinized.
The more you experience that kind of connection, the more your system can relax and recognize: Oh. This is what it’s like to be met, not managed.
Final Thoughts
If someone keeps hurting your feelings, it’s not a sign that you’re weak, dramatic, or too sensitive. It’s a sign that your nervous system is telling the truth: something in this relationship doesn’t feel safe. And the parts of you that are longing for understanding, closeness, and care? They deserve to be tended to, not trampled on.
You’re allowed to make space for your hurt, and you’re allowed to protect your peace. Even when it’s messy. Even when it means disappointing someone else. You’re not too much. You’re just no longer willing to be too little.
If this topic speaks to you and you’d like a supportive space to explore it more deeply, I offer virtual therapy for adults in Texas and Florida, as well as consultation for fellow therapists. You can learn more about my services here.